My heart is broken



After a great debate with myself I have decided to make this post. On Monday we took Baby Kemper to have a follow up hearing test since he failed his hearing screens at the hospital. He had an ABR ( Auditory brain stem response) which is a neurological test, where they introduce a noise to see if his brain has any reaction so they can test his hearing levels. They had me take him in a soundproof booth and they attached electrodes to his fore head and ears all while he was sleeping peacefully. I sat next to him and held his little hands and head so that he would not move in order to get an accurate reading. His father and my mother sat across from us waiting patiently. The test did not take long, about thirty minutes. When it was finished the audiologist confirmed my worst fears and told us there was "no response" Our darling little boy has a severe to possibly a profound hearing loss. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest. All I could think was WHY? WHY? WHY?!! I still want to know why, but that is something we may never know. Right now we are struggling trying to understand the situation. We are looking to God for help and support yet we are so angry with him at the same time. I know in the end we will all get through this but right now the hurt has taken over and we feel like we are in a fog watching the world continue as we stand still. I know there are alot of new technological advancements in medicine and options for little Kemper, so there is a little glimmer of hope. We will raise Kemper without treating him differently we just hope the world will do the same. Please pray for our little boy.

8 comments:

Brooke & Jathan said...

Helen, I am so sorry. Just remember that you have a beautiful little boy. I am confident you and your family will be able to get through this difficult time. You and your family are in my thoughts.

leah said...

I hope you don't mind a comment from a stranger- my little guy has a moderate loss in both ears, but we have lots of friends who have severe/profound hearing loss and they're doing great (I have some links on my blog- check out Gage and Brook). In the beginning it can be rough, but honestly these little guys do GREAT once they get the right technology to help them get access to sound! Blessings,

Leah

Together We Save said...

I am praying for your family.

rubi said...

Helen
I'm sure this time is a tough one for you, but I promise you good times are ahead! there are some amazing blogs out there like Leah mentioned , I've been there and seen that too thank god for amazing technology - your son will do absolutely amazing . don't be sad- good times are ahead
all my love
p

tammy said...

As a mom with a deaf one year old little boy, I couldn't get through your post without crying as it brought back many of the same feelings. After I read it, I looked at my little Aiden as he was playing on the floor next to me and said aloud, "I love you baby", and he looked up at me and smiled. I tell you this to provide you some hope and encouragement I sought out at the time I was in your shoes. Aiden has had his bilateral Cochlear implants for only two months now and it's amazing what we see everyday. Our tears of sorrow are now tears of joy as we watch our deaf baby hear and interact in ways we thought were never possible. Your baby is precious and although it feels as the world has come crashing down it does get better! If you need anything at all, feel free to contact me. My email address is on my blog! Many hugs to you and your family! Tammy

kkohler said...

My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Our daughter was diagnosed at 9 months with a profound hearing loss in both ears. The BEST advice our ENT gave us was that we needed to grieve. It is a loss. It is okay to grieve and if we don't do it now, we will later. The blogging world has truly been my therapy and I hope that it can be for you as well. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Karen

Bill & Mary Beth said...

I am a stranger too. I was drwan to your blog from another one because of the title. We live in Texas. As I read on I saw this post. I am the parent of now two deaf children. When my daughter was born she passed her hearing test and we didn't discover she was deaf until she was 18 months old. All the feelings you are having are normal and you need to let yourself go through what I call "the mourning process". Be mad, be sad, cry out loud, scream, whatever you need to do. It will eventually help. And I'm not saying it miraculously goes away. I still sometimes cry and wonder why. Especially when my son, now 6 months old was also born deaf. But I try to remind myself that there is a reason. My daughter just very successfully completed kindergarten in a mainstream school with all normal hearing peers. That success is starting to help it all make sense. feel free to take a look at our blog if you'd like and read our stories and ask any questions you may have! Good luck to you and remember, you were given this child for a reason!

Mary Beth

susannah said...

I remember the hardness of those days. It is ok to be sad, angry, confused, hurt. I felt like something had been stolen from me- I couldn't be like other moms playing with their first baby, sleeping during their naps, just learning how to be a mom. There are so many appointments, so much research to do...It was so important for me to take time to grieve (which comes and goes still but much less now) and to also enjoy and celebrate my daughter. My prayers are with you through this season. feel free to email me or contact me through my blog if you have any questions.

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